A Beginners Guide To Orgasm Denial: What Is It & Why Should You Want It?Last updated April 1, 2019
Isn’t the rush of an orgasm ecstatic?
Why would you then deliberately deny yourself this pleasure?
The idea of getting off on not getting off might sound a little contradictory, but for many people, orgasm denial is a seriously pleasurable addition to sex and masturbation.
Just because the word ‘denial’ is in play, don’t think for a moment that you will be denied the excitement of intensely engaging sex play.
Before diving deeper into this tantalising practice, let’s answer a few basic questions.
We’ll be looking at:
Orgasm denial is the act of experiencing or allowing someone else to experience a high level of sexual pleasure for a long time without allowing an orgasm.
Erotic sexual denial can strengthen your intimacy with a partner and lead you both to high levels of sexual stimulation without actually orgasming. Holding off your partner’s orgasm for an extended time frame will give them toe-curling orgasms when you do finally take them over the edge.
This technique can also create an intense orgasm during solo masturbation. Deliberately holding yourself back or forbidding yourself to come can lead to amplified erotic fantasties and heighten the anticipation of climax.
The time frame of denial can last for short periods, long periods, or for those who really enjoy sexual play, until tasks or sexual acts are completed. It can last minutes, days, weeks, and even months depending on your sexual rulebook.
Everyone can experience orgasm denial – no matter their sexual orientation. Whether straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, or queer, it doesn’t matter. Holding off on an orgasm for an extended period of time or experiencing total denial can rev anybody up.
Orgasm denial is more than just a pleasure technique. It’s a reaction of chemicals and physical responses.
The sexual response cycle has four stages that anyone irrespective of gender experiences:
- Desire (libido)
- Arousal (excitement)
The desire phase fosters an increase in muscle tension, blood flow to the genitals, erect nipples, vaginal lubrication and pre-cum.
The arousal phase is where orgasm denial comes into play, though it may start in the desire phase. This phase occurs on the brink of an orgasm. Breathing, heart rate, and blood pressure significantly increase, the woman’s clitoris becomes highly sensitive, the man’s testicles retract into the scrotum, and muscle spasms may begin in the feet, face, and hands.
By using tease & denial tactics, you are keeping your partner at the height of their arousal phase for longer without letting them reach the orgasm phase, which can be enjoyable for both of you.
Once you have satisfied your tease and denial fantasies, it’s time to come into the orgasm phase – pun intended. This is typically the shortest of all the phases and consists of muscle contractions and ejaculation.
Following an orgasm, the resolution phase allows the body to slowly return to its normal state. This phase often accompanies feelings of satisfaction, intimacy, and fatigue. If no more stimulation follows an orgasm, this phase will begin immediately.
The brain releases a variety of chemicals when we feel lust and attraction.
Lust stimulates the production of estrogen and testosterone in the body, which increases erotic feelings and behavior. When feeling attracted to another person dopamine levels surge, which is the same chemical produced when we feel good, like for say, during sexual stimulation.
What does this mean?
Orgasm denial works due to a hot, heavy mix of chemicals surging through the body. The more you lust for climax, the more sexual chemicals your body produces. This means that when you finally reach the orgasm phase after being denied for a long time, you will be more in the mood for it than ever.
There are many ways to deny orgasm. Whether you are shooting for a short denial or one that leaves a partner begging for an orgasm, here are a few ways to accomplish your sexual fantasies:
This is the practice of bringing a partner or yourself right to the ‘edge’ of an orgasm, only to stop or slow down stimulation just before reaching the climax.
Edging can be done through clitoral and genital stimulation, a prostate massage, a blowjob, intercourse or other various sexual acts. Rile them up over and over until finally, you allow your partner or yourself to let go. This often leads to feeling a much more intense and high level orgasm.
Edging isn’t technically orgasm denial, as the orgasm happens in the end. But it’s an excellent alternative for those who want the teasing thought of an orgasm yet want to be rewarded for perseverance too.
Want to make it more fun?
Set a limit on the number of times you or a partner must be edged before being allowed to come. Or set a timer that dictates when you are allowed to come.
Edging typically lasts for a shorter time frame than many of the other tactics, and is undoubtedly more short-lived than the next tactic.
Fancy dominance and submission play or more sexually explicit material to climax?
Try chastity play. This orgasm denial tactic lets one person have full control over when the other person is allowed to orgasm. This tactic can cover a full spectrum – from a simple tease or command (“I don’t want you to come until I see you tomorrow”) to more structured chastity play.
Want to level up the kink?
There are many male chastity devices on the market, like cock cages, which allow you to lock a willing partner up in chastity for a period of time, only allowing them ‘free’ to get an erection and orgasm when you use the key to unlock their device. Male chastity can be a fun way to let a woman take control and experience the feeling of femdom (female dominance).
Chastity devices can also be used to deny a woman physical pleasure. Chastity belts come in leather or metal and can even come with stimulating toys attached to them like butt plugs and dildos. Maybe refrain from those with dildos if you are performing female orgasm denial.
Chastity play can come in many shapes, forms, and sex positions. Bondage, spreader bars, task demands, tie and tease, point earning, punishments and a lot more.
Considering it is a longer-lived tactic than edging, chastity play can last anywhere from a few days to a few months.
Some couples like orgasm denial to be a random challenge.
For example, while watching a movie count the number of times the characters say the word “come” and “wait.” During the next sexual session, the submissive partner will be teased and denied as many times as “wait” was said, and will be allowed to orgasm or climax as many times as “come” was said.
Have the spirit of a gambler?
Try rolling a dice or flipping a coin for your sexual fate. There are many denial games and ways to make orgasm denial a lot more playful than a simple tease. Let the mind fantasise about the outcome before deciding your fate.
For a Man
The most obvious appeal of orgasm denial for a male, or people with penises, is that the refractory period often means only one orgasm is possible during sex or masturbation.
Once a male has orgasmed it can take a long time to build up another one. By delaying the male orgasm and increasing the chance of blue balls, men get to spend a little more time in that pleasurable pre-orgasmic plateau. Think of it as a tease to your most sensitive areas before coming.
Similarly, orgasm denial can be used as a tool to train a man to control his release, decreasing the chance of premature ejaculation.
Orgasm denial for a man increases testosterone levels and sensitivity in the genitals, making the penis harder and more erect. Increasing testosterone and sensitivity stimulates a man’s sex drive and leads to stronger orgasms.
Plus Harvard says that prostate health is stimulated by exercise. What better way to get your blood pumping and your heart rate up than some good old-fashioned tease & denial?
For a Woman
Female orgasm denial gives time for people with vulvas to build up an orgasm, as it is often difficult for a woman, to climax at the same time as a man.
Orgasm denial for women makes the clitoris swell up as the arousal heightens, increasing sensitivity to sexual pleasure. As in men, building an orgasm and increasing sensitivity can lead to a higher sex drive in women, making it easier to reach climax (and potentially fewer faked orgasms).
Try edging a woman to give her the ultimate orgasm. By continuously teasing and building up the anticipation, you will increase her desire and need to climax. She may even experience sexual frustration that will lead her to beg for release.
How does orgasm denial enhance a BDSM dynamic?
Orgasm denial takes place in BDSM when the submissive is instructed not to orgasm by the dominant partner. As orgasm denial doesn’t involve inflicting pain, this can be a popular method of introducing a beginner to the explicit material of BDSM and the exploration of power dynamics.
Using a cock cage or another male chastity device to orgasm denial adds an extra element – you’re not relying on him to try to avoid orgasming. You’re watching his sexual anguish and frustration while making it impossible for him to come without your say-so. It is femdom at its finest.
Of course, like all BDSM play, this kind of explicit dynamic requires informed, enthusiastic consent as well as a good knowledge of the potential risks.
If you’re keen to experiment with cock cages and other chastity devices, start very slowly, especially if it’s your first time. Begin by using them for short periods of time to ensure that the devices don’t cause discomfort or rubbing. With a little practise you can slowly work up to wearing the devices long periods of time, increasing the anticipation of you and your partner’s next sexual session.
Does this sound like your cup of tea?
Thanks to advances in sextech, there’s a new orgasm control tool that you might like to take advantage of.
One of the appeals of chastity play and orgasm control is that it can help people maintain a connection over long distances.
Some dominants will request that their submissive text them when they want permission to have an orgasm. They may also give them instructions on how to do it so that even when they are apart, they can maintain their explicit BDSM dynamic.
App-enabled sex toys, like Crescendo and Tenuto, allow one partner to control the sex toy – no matter where they are in the world – while the other person uses it. The MysteryApp even lets you come up with your own vibration patterns for Crescendo and Tenuto, making orgasm denial and sex play one of a kind.
This means one partner can create specific patterns to tease or edge their partner to the brink of an orgasm before using their remote powers to turn it off (or on) at just the right moment.
With a vibrating cock ring like Tenuto, a man’s sexual fate will lie in your hands. Watching the vibrator wrap around his hard penis while you stimulate it with your remote app can be incredibly erotic for you too. Tease him with blue balls just before giving him his sexual release, and watch him beg for the climax.
For denial games and BDSM where a woman’s hands are tied up, Crescendo can be a great way to give her genital stimulation and edge her on. You can even switch up the roles. Let her control the remote while you control where the toy goes. You will quickly see where her mind wants it most.
Many other sex toys and aids can be used to intensify orgasm denials, such as strap-ons, cock rings, erotic photos of big tits and cocks, and porn videos.
If you’re using app-enabled sex toys to achieve your ideal orgasm, practicing with the toys together before you use them long-distance means you can get a good feel for the settings and patterns your partner enjoys. It also means you won’t have to waste time looking through instructions or downloading the app when you’re raring to go!
Orgasm control – whether edging or chastity play – is all about the anticipation and build-up. Don’t focus just on the bedroom experience itself, try texting your partner to remind them not to orgasm, or tell them that you’ll be edging them later on. Get them excited (and frustrated!) about the orgasms you may or may not let them have.
Final tip: we’ve focused a little here on orgasm control with a partner, but many people use edging in particular as a way to enhance their solo sex life. Whether you’re using a sex toy or your hands, edging yourself can be a great way to explore your own body as well as test out the impact of tease and denial on the power of your orgasms.
As with everything sexual, communication is critical.
If you want to experiment with some chastity play, edging or other forms of orgasm control, start by talking to your partner about what it is that appeals to you about it, and find out what might appeal to them.
Not only will you need to talk about it before, but if you’re edging someone else, you’ll need them to give you feedback as you’re going to need to know how ‘close’ they are and when you might need to pull back to stop from tipping them over the edge.
If you’re using app-enabled sex toys to achieve your ideal orgasm, practicing with the sex toys together before you use them long-distance means you can get a good feel for the settings and patterns your partner enjoys.
It also means you won’t ever have to waste time looking through instructions or downloading the app when you’re raring to go!
Orgasm control – whether edging, chastity play or denial games– is all about the anticipation and build-up. Don’t focus just on the bedroom experience itself, try texting your partner to remind them not to orgasm, or tell them that you’ll be edging them later on. Get them feeling excitement (and frustration!) about the orgasms you may or may not let them have.
We’ve mainly focused here on orgasm control with a partner, but many people use edging in particular as a way to enhance their solo sex life.
Whether you’re using a sex toy or your hands, it doesn’t matter. Edging yourself can be a great way to explore your own body as well as test out the power of tease & denial on your sexual release.
Now that you know (almost) everything about orgasm denial, experience it for yourself!