A Beginners Guide to Orgasm DenialLast updated December 12, 2018
Chastity Play, Edging and Orgasm Denial: Getting Off Without Getting Off
The idea of getting off on not getting off might sound a little contradictory, but for many people the denial of orgasm is a seriously pleasurable addition to sex and masturbation.
Holding off your partner’s orgasm for as long as possible will give them the most intense orgasms when you finally take them over the edge. This technique can also be used to intensify your orgasm for solo masturbation – the dynamic of either deliberately holding yourself back or being forbidden to come can really heighten the anticipation.
Here is an overview of different kinds of orgasm denial play, as well as some top tips for incorporating it into your adult play.
There are many different kinds of orgasm denial to enjoy, but the two most common ones are:
- Edging – the practice of bringing a partner or yourself right to the ‘edge’ of orgasm, then stopping or slowing down stimulation just before they reach climax. This can be done over and over until finally you let yourself or your partner let go, often leading to a much more intense and powerful release.
- Chastity play – where one person has full control over when the other is allowed to orgasm. This kind of play can cover a full spectrum from a simple tease or command (“I don’t want you to come until I see you tomorrow”) to more structured chastity play. There are devices on the market, like cock cages, which allow you to lock a willing partner up in chastity for a period of time, only allowing them ‘free’ to get an erection and orgasm when you use the key to unlock their device.
The most obvious appeal of orgasm denial for men, or people with penises, is that the refractory period means sometimes only one orgasm is possible during a sex or masturbation session.
It takes time, once you’ve orgasmed, to build up to another one, and so by delaying the orgasm you get to spend a little more time in that pleasurable pre-orgasmic plateau.
It also gives time for people with vulvas to build up their own orgasm, making it easier to reach climax (and potentially fewer faked orgasms). But there are other benefits too.
Edging is one of the best ways of giving your partner the ultimate orgasm. By continuously teasing and building up the anticipation, you will increase their desire and need to make them climax.
Orgasm denial for men means the genitals will become more sensitive, with the penis becoming harder and more erect. Orgasm denial for women makes the clitoris swell up as your arousal heightens.
What is orgasm denial when used to enhance a BDSM dynamic? This is where the submissive is instructed not to orgasm by the more dominant partner. As orgasm denial doesn’t involve inflicting pain, this can be a popular method of introducing a beginner to BDSM and exploring power dynamics.
Using cock cages and other chastity devices adds an extra element – you’re not relying on someone to simply try to avoid orgasming, you’re making it impossible for them to come without your say-so.
Of course, like all BDSM play, this kind of dynamic requires informed, enthusiastic consent as well as a good knowledge of the potential risks.
If you’re keen to experiment with cock cages and other chastity devices, you need to start very slowly – using them for short periods of time at first to make sure that the device doesn’t cause discomfort or rubbing, and only slowly working up to longer periods of orgasm denial.
Does this sound like your cup of tea? Thanks to advances in sextech, there’s a new orgasm control tool that you might like to take advantage of too…
One of the appeals of chastity play and orgasm control is that it can help people maintain a connection over long distances. Some dominants will request that their submissive text them when they want permission to have an orgasm.
Or will give them instructions on how they should do it, so that even when they are apart they can maintain their BDSM dynamic.
App-enabled sex toys allow one partner to control the toy – no matter where they are in the world – while the other person uses it. Our MysteryApp even lets you come up with your own vibration patterns on Crescendo and Tenuto.
This means one partner can create specific patterns to tease or edge someone to the brink of orgasm before using their remote powers to turn it off at just the right moment.
As with everything sexual, communication is key: if you want to experiment with some chastity play, edging or other forms of orgasm control, start by talking to your partner about what it is that appeals to you about it, and find out what might appeal to them.
Not only will you need to talk about it before, but if you’re edging someone else you’ll need them to give you feedback as you’re going to let them know how ‘close’ they are and when you might need to pull back to stop from tipping them over the brink.
If you’re using app-enabled sex toys to achieve your ideal orgasm, practicing with the toys together before you use them long-distance means you can get a good feel for the settings and patterns your partner enjoys. It also means you won’t have to waste time looking through instructions or downloading the app when you’re raring to go!
Orgasm control – whether edging or chastity play – is all about the anticipation and build-up. Don’t focus just on the bedroom experience itself, try texting your partner to remind them not to orgasm, or tell them that you’ll be edging them later on. Get them excited (and frustrated!) about the orgasms you may or may not let them have.
Final tip: we’ve focused a little here on orgasm control with a partner, but many people use edging in particular as a way to enhance their solo sex life. Whether you’re using a sex toy or your hands, edging yourself can be a great way to explore your own body as well as test out the impact of tease and denial on the power of your orgasms.